It’s always kind of ticked me off that people in general seem to be so misinformed and outright stubborn in not understanding the difference between sexuality and gender identification. Even within our own community. That gender identity is not about being a drag queen or king. It’s a complex matter of wiring – just as complex as our sexual orientation, but separate and distinct.

I was pretty naïve about the subject until I had a chance to know someone a little more closely who was dealing with the issue. I met a very beautiful woman in a bar in Omaha – she came there to connect with the community. Turns out she was a pre-op MTF. A lovely woman. She was welcomed into the lesbian community and transitioned operatively some time later. I hope the friendship we extended helped her on her journey. I know that acceptance is not always the case.

Jess is approaching 30 years old and lives in Connecticut with lovely wife Tina (of Tina-cious fame) and Tina’s kids, whom they raise together . And we can’t forget their various critters. Jess is warm and funny and delightfully without affect. It’s been a pleasure reading Jess’ blog and getting to learn more about the struggles and joys of life at their place.

So, Jess, I’m guessing tomboy, pants instead of dresses, football with the neighbor boys. Am I close? Describe what your childhood looked like from a gender perspective. At what point did you start getting messages you weren’t conforming with the “rules” of being a girl and start trying to conform?

You’re pretty close! I was a tomboy for sure. I hated dresses, hated anything pink. It was awful because I grew up going to a Catholic school and had to wear a dress/skirt to school every day. I hated having my hair brushed and was so relieved when my mom decided to chop it off into that hideous bowl cut. I played house a lot with my girl friends and was always the dad and I’d fight the boys for that role if I had to. As far as sports goes, I am and always have been a complete failure. I’ve never been competitive.

I think I have to say that I always knew there was something different about me, but I assumed that I was crazy and that all of the other girls felt the same ways on the inside. Does that make sense? My first kiss was a girl. First love was a girl. I played truth or dare whenever possible with hopes of being dared to make out with my girl friends. If they were making out with me on the dares, they were like me, right? No. They were just taking a dare and feeling nothing. I got butterflies!

When I was in junior high the acting started. I realized I needed to conform in order to fit in.

As you grew into pubescence, how did you handle trying to fit into your skin? What kinds of pressures do you remember from your family, friends, and society in general?

At first, I wanted so badly to be like everyone else that I wore makeup, dressed in girls’ clothes, and even rocked a bikini in the summertime. I had boyfriends. Lots of them. In order to be comfortable I kind of adopted this “tomboy girl” style. I’d wear the make up and dress in baggy boy clothes and baseball caps. That was the style back then so I got away with it. I began to realize that baggy clothes were way more comfortable on my frame so I began to only wear men‘s clothes. My friends didn’t think anything of it. My family was really cool about letting us dress how we wanted or however the current styles were. No real pressures there.

Did you come out as a lesbian early on? How old were you? How did it feel – did you immediately identify as “butch”?

I started to come out when I was 18 or 19. I had fallen in love with a close friend of mine while I was a member of a world wide born-again Christian church which I believe to be a cult (but that’s another story altogether). I’d been going through a pretty ugly depression and we got really close. After we kind of got caught in bed together by another roommate, I was banished from the church. My gf left the church willingly and we both began our first lesbian relationships with each other. It lasted 5+ years. It felt amazing to kiss someone and actually feel what all my girlfriends felt when they kissed their boyfriends. I came out to my cousin while still in church and she was so cool and accepting.

As far as my gender identity goes, it was developing. I got me a computer with the internet and began do gay and lesbian searches online. That’s when I found queer chat rooms like Gay.com and Planetout and a certain butch-femme site. Those rooms were like heaven. People who were like me! They understood me, supported me, and accepted me. I could be completely open and honest. It was incredible. I started hearing coming out stories and knew it was time for me to start to tell people other than my cousin.

So, did you feel like you had to come out as a lesbian because that was the closest fit? When did it start seeming like there might be something more to it? Can you describe incidents or events that tie together with your slow evolution and identification as gender queer

Yes! I came out as a lesbian because I didn’t think there were any other options. I’ve always hated the word lesbian though. Probably because grandpa’s cousin was a lesbian and when people said the word it was in hush tones and in a tone that told me that was a bad word. She was and still is as butch as the day is long and her partner a pretty high femme. I usually would just refer to my sexual orientation as gay.

Right before I began to come out, I got a job working in a mailroom and I was the delivery driver. I was out in the van all day, loading and unloading packages. When I started all of the guys around would be like, “Honey, can I help you lift that box?” checking me out and crap. Then I chopped off my hair and became comfortable releasing all of the inner masculine energy that I had kept locked away for so long. I started to feel like it all fit. I felt like a boy and I was comfortable. I started binding my chest with really tight sports bras so that it wasn’t a focal point. I started going by Jess, in fact demanding that all people in my life dropped the “ica” and called me just Jess. My muscles were developing – I felt stronger, I loved sweating my ass off in the hot sun doing what was considered a man’s work. I noticed that men weren’t noticing me anymore. That was huge. My confidence level went way up and so did my inner flirt. Around that time, I began to claim butch as my label of choice. The internet has been an amazing resource to me. I don’t know that I would have ever had the balls to come out if it weren’t for so many of my brave and queer brothers out there sharing their experiences with me.

You traversed the lesbian path for quite a while and ultimately met your lovely wife, Tina. Tell me about how you were able to start discussing your growing gender identity evolution with her.

Great question! Yeah it’s been a while…what out 12 years now? Wow.

Tina and I were friends first, both in other relationships at the time and we would hang out in this big group of friends. So we got to know each other pretty well. Tina had always dated women who were tomboyish or butch in the past and is drawn to female masculinity. I sensed that from her. I think Tina knew without me having to tell her that I wasn’t like her past partners who were comfortable identifying as women. One of the reasons I fell so hard for Tina, was that she seemed to just see me as Jess, not a woman, not a man, just a person. I felt safe with her and could be my true self. For the first time, I had a partner that didn’t mind that I wanted to have chest surgery. Someone who enjoyed it as much as me when I’d strap it on.

Over the past couple of years, my gender exploration has been somewhat of a roller coaster. I’ve been identifying as a queer butch. I see myself as being queer in the way that I am a female born person who is attracted to other female born people. My gender is butch because I don’t feel comfortable claiming the terms “woman” and “man”. Butch has always been a comfortable term for me to identify with. But I am thinking that the term transmasculine is something that I’d like to begin using more and more. See why I’m so fortunate to have Tina as my wife? I’m ever evolving and it takes a very patient and understanding person to be the femme partner of a gender rebel like me.

At some point, not too long ago, I’ve heard you describe your top surgery – not a complete top surgery, but a really significant reduction in the size of your breasts. You mentioned that your wife, who is very supportive of your evolution, preferred you to have some breasts remaining. Where do you see yourself going physically with your gender identity? Do you see that impacting your relationship? Have you discussed this in any detail?

We’ve discussed it and discussed it and discussed it some more, and basically what it comes down to is that my wife is a lesbian and wants to be with a woman. Since I still obviously have female parts, I think she is comfortable with the whole trans part of my identity being mainly associated with how I express my masculinity. She’s told me she loves me no matter if I go through with a more complete top surgery or not, but I know she’s more happy with the way I am currently. As I continue to grow and change, I remain aware of the possibility that something just may be too much for her to support. That’s a bridge I hope we don’t have to cross.

Jess, are you close with your family? What do they think about all of this? Have you spoken at length with them?

I am very close to my family. Thankfully, no one has turned their back on me. I don’t get into the details of the gender thing with my grandparents or mother. I think they’d just be confused. They are respectful, and understand that I am the way that I am, but I have never gotten into terminology or specifics. Out of respect for them, I am way more forgiving when they call me by my given name, and I always will be. They raised me and the way I see it, they’ve got immunity there. I’ve been openly out about my queerness with them for years and when I told them they already knew. My aunt actually told me that she knew since I was a small child. My response was, “Then why didn’t you tell me?!!”

Hah, I mean, I had the same conversation with my family when I came out. Like – wow, wouldn’t things have been so much easier if you had let me know! I think we all worry about rejection when we are “different.” What do you think the best solution is with your family and the gender issue?

I’m on the fence as to whether my mom and grandparents need to know about the name change. I really don’t want to hurt my mother’s heart, she deals with enough with her condition. In case you didn’t know, my mom has Schizophrenia, has since I was 4 and me and my sister and brother were raised by her and our grandparents which is why I mention them grouped together like that. I am careful with how much I discuss with mom because it doesn’t take much to cause instability with her condition and when she’s unstable it’s traumatic for everyone involved. Kid gloves there.

I’m close with my two full siblings, who are supportive. They were both at our civil union ceremony and consider Tina their sister-in-law and our kids their niece and nephew. I’m fortunate to have them close the way I do. They know and understand I’m more boy than girl and that’s where we leave it. They are two of my closest friends in this world.

Dad knows I’m queer and married to Tina, but he’s old school/ born again/ focus on the family/ way “right” wing. He doesn’t support it, but accepts that it is what it is. Our relationship has always been strained since I’m the eldest kid and I remember a bunch of stuff, so it’s no skin off my back really. My step-mother and I do not speak and I have no regrets there. She’s one of those cold, callous types. She’s also the type to get her pro-life, right wing articles published in the local paper. I’ve got no room for that in my life and she feels same about me and would prefer it if my father severed ties. I’m frankly surprised he hasn’t since she seems to be his spine most of the time. My half siblings are really of the same school as they are, except they are young and hip and tolerant. I’ve actually been quite surprised at these young Christian adults because I expected less. They are not exactly progressive, but they could be way more conservative. At least they are respectful and aren’t opposed to spending time with my family. I appreciate that.

Do you see yourself going down the path of taking testosterone or other, more radical physical changes?

I’ve considered transitioning to male and taking T. I’ve determined that I’m most comfortable existing somewhere between male/female or man/woman and I think testosterone would be too male for me. Though, the idea of bigger muscles and sideburns is appealing.

I was kind of wondering – do you think you can maintain as strong and satisfying gender identity as transmasculine or gender butch and maintain your current physical form? Or is the physical form not even an issue – is it more a state of mind and acceptance of your inner self with the exterior affect – your walk, your carriage – your clothing and so forth?

I sure hope I can maintain this identity, because it’s the only one I have! But seriously, for me it’s the whole package. The transmasculine/queer butch me is reflected in mostly everything I do. It’s the swagger in my step, it’s the way I walk, dress, dance, drive etc. It’s chivalry, it’s romance, it’s love making. All of that would be non-existent without the state of mind and acceptance of my inner self. I don’t feel that I’d need to alter the chemistry of my body in order to maintain my masculine identity. Though I do understand why others transition.

How does where you live and its political or social climate impact how you express your transmasculine identity? Is it generally not a problem in the workplace and out on the town, or have you had problems?

Fortunately for me, I live in the liberal state of Connecticut, which has a strong track record of supporting the LGBT community over all. For years we’ve had same-sex second parent adoption laws, benefits for same-sex partners, civil unions since 2005, and non-discrimination laws which include sexual orientation. There are many people in CT who are working hard to get an all inclusive non-discrimination bill passed with would include gender identity and expression, which would be awesome. Still, I get looked at funny in public and have a hard time in public restrooms. Women think I’m a guy, so it’s tough but I do understand their reactions. Tina notices more than I do when people get eye problems when we walk into a room. Then she proudly grabs my elbow and pulls herself closer to me.

As far as my openness at work, I’ve been out as a dyke since my job interview, my partner came up in the conversation. My gender identity doesn’t really come up. I mean there have been times where people have called me by my government name, and I’ve corrected them. Some people are dense and ultra formal all of the time, so I’ve learned not to sweat it. My staff, peers and superiors are respectful and call me Jess and don’t refer to me as a lady or what have you. My boss no longer picks things up when I drop them or holds doors for me (that took some training). Some of the staff even call me “Uncle Jess” which I find endearing.

Have you done a lot of reading about FTM trans folks? How has that helped you – what would you say were the things you read that said the most to you?

Oh, hell yes, and I have friends who have transitioned or are transitioning, so I’ve been fortunate enough to get some inside scoop on what the journey is like. I respect and appreciate these guys being so candid with me and answering all of the many questions that I asked them. Most of my questions were regarding binding my chest when it was big, testosterone and packing tips. I was in a place then where I thought the only way I could be happy would be to transition so I needed tons of info. I’m happy that I have for the most part, found comfort in the person that I am. For now, I’m good here.

So, how do you feel today? Where do you want to go and how do you see yourself getting there?

I really don’t know. I mean I’m content with the way I am for now. I am working toward having that name change I blogged about. Just need to narrow down the finalists. I may poll the blogiverse and see what people come up with. It’s tricky because I want my initials to stay as they are, as a sort of tribute to my mother who named me almost 30 years ago. We’ll see how that goes. As far as the complete top surgery goes, maybe—maybe not. For right now, I don’t have the money or the leave time from work to have another major surgery.

If you had advice for someone who is questioning their gender identity, what would you recommend?

Talk to people. Find people online who have gone through or are going through the same thing. Make friends who can relate, whether online or offline. Most butch/trans folks out there understand what it’s like to question gender and were helped out in the same way that you need help today.

Read books. Lots of them.

Accept, respect and love yourself. Learn to appreciate the changes you’ll make, because they are a part of you and always will be.

Thanks, Jess.

If you want a starting point to learn more about FTM transgender issues, you can start here.

Photo: I Am A Boy by Harper Wray

This entry was posted on Friday, August 15th, 2008 at 12:01 am and is filed under Our Stories. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.