Dona Nobis Pacem: My Selfish Reasons Revealed
Dear Members of Congress,
A call was received one fall day over 17 years ago from the executive director of the Nebraska Childrens Home Society, that maybe, just maybe, there was a birthmother who may want us to adopt her child. It was a boy. He was five weeks old. On the off chance the birthmother decided I was to be a mom, the director told us to buy a car seat, so we did.
She was 16. The birthfather was 17. She was a good student in her little high school. She decided adoption was her best route to give them both what they needed. She had dreams of college and escape from her little bit of nothing town. She wanted more for her child. The birthfather and she were no longer together, but he remained by her side as she made this journey.
We stashed the family photos in the back seat so the birthmother could see what the boy would be in for. How there were cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents to love her son. We ticked through names again, just in case he didn’t look like the name we’d so carefully selected. Clothes were hastily packed and tossed in the trunk. The plan was to leave in disappointment, but we hoped for the best outcome.
The six hour drive across I-80 and the three driven north beyond that was of little of interest and was mostly spent just contemplating what might happen. After traveling for hours through buttes and mesas, we arrived. That night, we stayed at the Sleep Is Futile Lodge.
In the morning, we trekked over to the appointed meeting place. The western office of NCHS was a beat up old mobile home that sat forlornly in the middle of a square plot of
A thin, handsome young Mexican man with a whispy teenager mustache and cowboy boots stepped out of the driver’s side. A cute brunette, who looked such a child herself, stepped out of the passenger side, holding the child. They tentatively approached the door and knocked.
At that moment, I found myself shaking uncontrollably. Would she like me? Would I be the one she could see rocking her child to sleep every night? The fate of my dream to be a mother was in the hands of two who were children themselves.
Hours later, after thousands of questions had been asked and answered in both directions, they stepped outside to speak to each other in private. A few minutes later, they came back in.
She walked up to me. She slowly lifted her eyes from the shining eyes of the boy in her arms to mine and said quietly, “What will you name him?” I told her.
She handed me their child. She handed me her child. She handed him to me. I was holding my child.
She kissed him goodbye. He rubbed the boy’s head.
They cried and held each other. Then they left.
Suddenly, despite all of our preparation, we had no idea what to do with this thing, this human being who had been so ceremoniously handed to us. Would I be a good mom? Would I love him enough? Would I do it unconditionally?
The boy turns 18 in four months. I’ve had 17 and 2/3 years to love this boy. To love him so much that every time he makes a mistake, I ache for him. That every time he has a triumph, I cheer for him. That every time he has a sniffle, I wish I’d started that medical degree. That every time he pulls away on his way to growing up, I cry for me.
He is my first child. He’s the one I had hours and hours to spend holding up in the air as I lay on my back, slowly bringing him and his cute little protruding ears down to my chest as he giggled with glee at the ride he had somehow ended up on.
He’s the one I have hundreds of photographs of as he made his way from formula through 52 flavors of Gerber’s as though he was the first child ever to master strained carrots and peas. This boy who still faints at the site of blood or needles.
He wants to join the Marines. He has some idea that it is heroic or valiant or he will somehow make a statement about who he is or what he can do if he does this. There is nothing heroic about the war in Iraq. We are the invader.
No amount of counsel has thus far made a difference. And, in four months, it’s out of our hands. He knows that.
My son will be a teenage man-child, far from prepared for the horror of battle and the scars that will eventually come later, if he’s gets that far. Just like so many others who came before him. Many of whom never came home. He doesn’t understand that his sense of immortality is a false god to rely upon. Or the permanence of death and what it leaves in its wake.
I don’t want that for my son. My son with the big empathetic heart and the dimples in his cheeks and cleft in his chin. He is destined for something else, not this, not this war.
The war needs to stop. I don’t want to lose my son. There, I said it. I’m selfish. I think I’ve finally earned that right. I want the chance to someday hold his child up in the air as I lay on my back, slowly bringing him and his cute little protruding ears down to my chest to giggle with glee. And, I don’t want any more mothers or fathers to lose their child to this nonsense–not on either side.
Tell me you can make that happen, Ladies and Gentlemen, tell me you can. Tell me you’ll do it now. Before my son turns 18 and does what teenage boys do – not listen to his parents just because he can. What a stupid reason to become a Marine.
Stop the War Now.
Never More Sincere About Anything,
HAH
Thanks to Mimi Lenox for her hard work in organizing and keeping this momentous movement going.
You should put a Tissue Alert on this post. Beautifully written, Lori. Frightening real. Honest. Brutally heartbreaking. Real. Did I say real? This is every mother’s nightmare.
I hope you have sent this to Congress. They need to hear it from someone in your position.
A lot can happen in four months. You are such a terrific mother. The honest dialogue with your son has to bring about change in his thinking.
Brava.
Mimi Lenox
June 4th, 2008
Mimi sent me here. I’m glad she did.
I would change places with your boy. I would. I was going to be a Marine at 18. I wanted to be a Marine ever since I was 5. I wanted to serve. I wanted to help. I wanted to be part of something special…something bigger than myself.
I didn’t get to be a Marine, but the desire is still there. It always will be.
I would change places with your boy if I could.
I don’t want anymore young men and women to go to war. I don’t want them to suffer. I don’t want them to die. I don’t want their families to sacrifice them.
But I am so thankful that there are young men and women who find within themselves a dedication to service and a willingness to give of themselves. Thank you for raising a young man such as this.
I would change places with your boy if I could.
Peace.
Travis
June 4th, 2008
OMG – you got tears out of me – not an easy thing, I’m afraid. So beautifully and truthfully written. I feel for you – I feel for him – and I feel for all the parents who have watched their children go to a war that was a mistake. How noble of him, how cowardly of our (sic) administration!
Sue
June 4th, 2008
Lori, your beautiful story of the beginning of your life with your son ill prepared me for the painful truth that he wants to join the Marines. My heart aches for you. I hope either he changes his mind, or this bloody war stops before he gets sent over.
I know young men who’ve gone over, and have, thankfully, returned whole. If this is to be for your son, I pray for the best possible outcome.
my heart is full tonight, dear.
TaraDharma
June 4th, 2008
Four months is a long time, Lori. Especially at his age. And he has an exceptionally persuasive mother.
This is so beautiful. Thank you.
Margo Moon
June 4th, 2008
Lori,
Your heart has spoken. Hopefully, other hearts will listen.
JoeyJo
June 4th, 2008
Beautiful, heart-wrenching post. All I can say is I hope both your wishes come true.
April
June 4th, 2008
Having gone down that road in a different era and into a war as innane as this one, I sincerely hope you mailed that to EVERY member of Congress AND to the editorial page of every paper you can think of. I was lucky and survived, many others did not. We’ve sent too many to pursue Dumbya’s Folly, time to stop.
I doubt you’ll change his mind, nobody could change mine either. But keep trying, at least until this madness in Iraq is over. We NEVER seem to learn until it’s too late.
Mike S
June 4th, 2008
How could that not change anyone’s mind, or at least give them pause to think, and think.
The saddest thing is that it would not, and it never really would have —somehow they manufacture a noble cause which you and the nation can honor when his sacrifice is given, by which he becomes a hero, and even greater if it is martyrdom.
It is at its core a lie, it always has been–and always will be.
~Becky
Becky
June 4th, 2008
Peace be unto you, yours, and the world.
Prayers for Global Peace
SjP
SjP
June 4th, 2008
What a beautiful and readable post and so to the point.
So glad to see you on board and proud to stay beside you. Mine is up too
RennyBA
June 4th, 2008
Such a beautiful story and message.
I have an adopted son too almost 15yrs I can’t imagine any mother having to see there son go to war.
My Peace Post
Trish
June 4th, 2008
Where is the forewarning for women expecting their first child (and son!) and who already cry over things like McDonald’s commercials?!
KILLING ME.
Emily.
June 4th, 2008
You told your story in a very heart-felt and touching way. I sincerely hope that your son changes his mind or this dreadful bloodshed stops in time or, best of all, both.
Karen Jo
June 4th, 2008
oh my dear, how tough this motherhood thing can be. Every stage brings it’s challenges, and the older they get the bigger the challenge. Allowing them to make their own decisions one of the hardest… especially when the stakes are as big as they are.
I truly hope for your sake and his that there is a big shift in the presently skewed politics of the US.
The war needs to stop for sure, and it’s not selfish to wish that.
kim
June 4th, 2008
Wow, I’m going to need an entire box of tissues today! You poured out your heart and I feel it deeply. God Bless you and your precious son, and all of our world’s children.
“I was once asked why I don’t participate in anti-war demonstrations. I said that I will never do that, but as soon as you have a pro-peace rally, I’ll be there.”
~Mother Teresa~
WillThink4Wine
June 4th, 2008
Beautiful. I was terrified that my first four sons would make the same decision, and now I’m secretly relieved that my fifth has congenital heart disease and will never make it into the armed services (I know, I’m sick and selfish). I feel for every mother whose son is over there right now. More POWER to you and moms everywhere.
Lynn C.
June 4th, 2008
It is not selfish, it’s very understandable. I would stop this war right now if I had that power. I will be praying for your son and for this country…
Ivanhoe
June 4th, 2008
You’ve got quite a way with words. I hope with every cell I have, that he changes his mind. I have to say, if I were you, I would be tempted to pay someone to shoot him in the foot. Maybe you could find someone who went to Iraq who could tell him how horrible and futile it is??
otter
June 4th, 2008
“Words have power … If you get the right ones, in the right order, you can nudge the world a little.”
Tom Stoppard
May we all say together: PEACE
Jamie
June 4th, 2008
Show your son the two pictures on Mimi’s site today. The young boy who may or may not have survived Viet Nam and the bloodied child from Iraq. It is not an adventure to be one and it is not heroic to be responsible for the other.
Jamie
June 4th, 2008
Mimi sent me here last night..i was tired..the ambien was kicking me into sleep too quickly. I started to read…couldn’t stop. My heart aches for you.
Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it. Ps. 34:14
julie
June 4th, 2008
I wrote a post for Memorial Day in which I lamented that one day I might be one of those Mothers who kisses their 18 year old son goodbye at the airport and doesn’t know if they will ever see them again. I join you in hoping this stupid war stops before we lose our sons.
I’m visiting everyone who signed the BlogBlast for Peace Linky, here’s my post if you have a minute to stop by. Wishing you peace today and always.
http://tinyurl.com/5bcljw
Elizabeth
June 4th, 2008
My son’s 18th birthday brought the realization that he had become a teen/man and that along with registering to vote he had to also register for the draft. Thankfully, he had no desire to join any of the armed services but that wouldn’t matter if…
Like the others here, my heart is full and it aches for your son, all the sons (& daughters).
Peace.
Deborah
June 4th, 2008
What a beautiful post! Peace to you and to all the people of the world!
Tammy
June 4th, 2008
This is such a powerful post.
I never had the fortune to have a child, but darn, I can understand your fears !
I hate war; that’s why Iam here at BlogBlast too.
I hope that you will make your son understand …
Peace to all .
barbara
June 4th, 2008
I wasn’t expecting to get this emotional, so all I can say at the moment is WHAT A CUTE BOY!
If he is looking for adventure, heroism and purpose, maybe you can redirect his attention to the Peace Corps.
folkrockgirl
June 4th, 2008
What an inspirational post. I can see why you wish for peace. Beautiful. Thank you for making me smile. Big hug.
Comedy Plus
June 4th, 2008
Absolutely heart aching. I am with you. Peace here now.
Jennifer
June 4th, 2008
Sweet Ben. I’ll do my part to keep him home. I’ll send this to every congressman too! Losing a child is the worst..no matter how it happens.
I love ya Lori.
Melly
June 4th, 2008
Thank you so much for this powerful post, Lori!
Where are my tissues when I need them???
Love and Peace to you!
Sanni
June 4th, 2008
Lori – Your post has touched many people.
You should also go to Lee’s blog and read his post. He is facing the same dilemma. It’s here.
http://www.tarheelramblings.com/?p=499
I love how this community comes together and lifts each other up. Going to read more now…..
Mimi Lenox
June 4th, 2008
What lovely post. I hope your son has a change of heart and mind before four months. May all our dreams of peace come true.
CountryDew
June 4th, 2008
beautiful, poignant, gut wrenching, honest…at Nina’s son’s graduation this past weekend, the principle asked those kids who had signed up for military service to stand and be recognized. My heart sank as 7 bodies with baby faces stood. 6 boys and 1 girl. I hear the echo thousand fold in your post Lori… not now, not for this.
drowning pisces
June 4th, 2008
Lori, you’ve put into words much of what I’m feeling, and you’ve done it beautifully. Although my son is going in the Navy, and has supposedly qualified for nuclear engineering training, that can change. We’re talking about the military after all. My fear is that he will be made a medic. That would not be a good thing, because a large number of Navy medics are assigned to Marine units, because the Marines don’t have their own medics.
But like so much of life after our children move into adulthood, this is out of my hands, so I place him in God’s hands and hope for the best.
Thanks for sharing so warmly from your heart.
Lee
June 4th, 2008
That is a moving and incredible story. It is appropriate and so true. To dress war all up in heroes and patriotism is not the point. I hope he wakes up to your words. Peace…
Bud Weiser
June 4th, 2008
i’m positively sobbing. and more pissed than ever at those who’ve gotten us into this war. peace. now.
lynt
June 4th, 2008
Last night at work I was expressing my desire to have children to a friend of mine. She said, “They will bring you the greatest joy you’ll ever know and the greatest pain you’ll ever know.” Then she said, “Don’t do it. You’ll never know what you’re missing and it’s just as well.” I laughed because she was making a half-hearted attempt at a joke. But as I looked into her weary, smiling face I could see that a part of her meant it. This was her advise to me. She wouldn’t take anything for her kids. She’d lay down her life for them and, yet, as an honest woman, she wouldn’t advise me to have any. That speaks volumes about they places they can reach into in your heart. I pray for you and your son that his noble and so innocent intentions will find another avenue of expression. Motherhood. I can only imagine that it must change the way you see everything in the universe. My heart goes out to you.
karen
June 5th, 2008
amen…my son is 15…
a mother and her son…a parent and their child….
peace..
andrena
June 5th, 2008
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Vote for Peace and Senator Speedy in 2008 « Miss Moneypenny CPU
June 5th, 2008
Very well put.
My son was put up for adoption 18 years ago last week. It goes so fast.
I can only hope he doesn’t make the same career choice as your son. If he does, I certainly hope to meet him before he is deployed.
They need to come home. I hope your son changes his mind.
Tiny Tyrant
June 5th, 2008
Amen, Lori, Amen….. Peace be with you and all parents, your son and all sons and daughters, this country and all countries of the world. Peace.
Jan
June 5th, 2008
This war is stupid, I learned about it last year in Journalism and this year in World Geography (some in Earth Science.) Fighting over a resource that will be gone in 50 years is stupid, we should be spending our money on FINDING a NEW way to power cars and get plastic and other materials, ways that not only keep prices low, but help the deteriorating environment. And if we are too money-loving to do that, then we should help the people that are hurting in our own country, like the tornado victims, and hurricane season is on its way, said to be worse year then 2006 and might have one stronger then Katrina.
Mom, Ben has a lot of strengths, and one of those is stubbornness, and if I know only one thing about my big “little” brother, is that even when he knows he’s wrong he’ll keep argueing until he has no choice.
We have to make him stop arguing before he makes sense of it all, before its too late.
~J-man
J-man
June 5th, 2008
That was so beautifully written!
TerraShield
June 5th, 2008
Wow. WOW. As an adoptee I hear your love, as a war protester with no kids, I feel your love.
Thanks.
Lisa
June 5th, 2008
Wonderful post Lori. Thanks for bringing the issues of this war a little closer to home. Sometimes its easy for me just to put it in the back of my mind. I need this sort of jolt every once in a while.
CJ
June 5th, 2008
Peace.
SassyFemme
June 5th, 2008
I’m clearly not the first person to say this, but perhaps it can’t be said enough. This post is fantastic. You made me cry. It’s so beautiful and moving. I hope your letter has some effect on the people with actual power.
- Margaret
Margaret
June 5th, 2008
Oh my heart is aching after reading your post. You spoke not just for yourself but for every mother in the world. Bless you and may your boy keep safe. Peace to you my friend.
Akelamalu
June 5th, 2008
I’m a mother, and I’ve also been afraid that my son will want to join the armed forces some day. The idea of following your leaders without choice, even if you personally feel a cause is wrong, is horrifying to me. The thought of him being in danger, or hurting others, or occupying a nation for someone else’s political reasons, or returning damaged is frightening.
But I’m a girlfriend of a woman who served in the first Iraq war, in a position where she was fired upon while protecting her troops. And I’m a daughter of a woman who worked in Intelligence during the Korean War. These women found direction and strength in the military. And I cannot help but be in awe of their sacrifice to protect our country.
I’ve told myself that I will support my son in whatever calling he has, be it as a scientist, an artist, an attorney, a teacher, or anything else. If I love him, and if it is his dream, I think I will have to support him if his calling is to be a soldier. One more mom sacrifice to make.
Anonymous
June 6th, 2008
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your beautifully written heartfelt post. I lived this right along with you as I read it.
I am the mother of two daughters and can only imagine your fear. I felt something similar when my husband was on alert three times but that can’t be anything close to the feeling of a mother and a son.
Peace and kindness to you!
Connie
June 6th, 2008
I think your blog should have come with a disclaimer. Warning — you may need Kleenex handy to read this one.
He has the most wonderful smile. Those dimples are adorable and his eyes are full of mischief.
Long ago, a young boy got a hold of spray paint and decorated my now favorite chair. How can he be ready to turn 18?
It’s so tough to guide a child through life. To keep them safe and close. Children want to grow up too soon. Boys believe they’re invincible.
No matter what we say or do – they are not ready to listen.
So, is it selfish to want the best for your son? To want to see a grandchild with cute dimples and mischief in their eyes?
If it is, then let the hedonism begin!
Vivien
June 6th, 2008
First of all let me say I really enjoy seeing the globes that you have posted.
NO One should ever have to have a child go to war,it is not a glorious thing it sucks,it is never fun.I know I wore the Uniform of the US Air Force during the 70’s when we were in a different but equally unpopular war.We were told that we were there to stop the take over of a country.we believed that,at least I did.Untill we were pulled out and the contry was taken over any way.So what was the scense it that why did so many young American men have to die?
I will always Support our Military,I will do that,the policies of our government well that is a horse of a different color.Especially when we were lied to on why we went to war. I have Peace globes on two sites come on over and check the out if you wish. http://mjgolch.wordpress.com and http://mjgolch.blogspot.com
Mike Golch
June 11th, 2008